Monthly Archives: October 2012

YEP, I’M OFFICIALLY CRACKERS!

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If I were organized enough to write lists, I’d have one as long as my arm titled “Things That Must Be Done TODAY.” With that in mind, I followed my favorite avoidance strategy and started baking. Hey – it’s the perfect procrastination technique, because I’m obviously busy, productive, and removed from reality!

Homemade “Wheat Thins”

Today I thought I’d try a recipe I saw on Serious Eats for homemade Wheat Thin-type crackers.  It looked simple enough, and I counted on a quick distraction with a wholesome result. “Everyone” said they tasted just like the real thing. Huh. I just finished my fifth attempt; it’s time to cook dinner, and nothing else has been accomplished. A perfect Monday project!

Batch #1: I followed the recipe exactly and got a very healthy cracker that would probably be wonderful if you had a bowl of salmon dip to go with it. On the plus side, it tasted and looked good, and was made with quality ingredients. On the minus side, it was definitely not like a Wheat Thin. I know this because I L.O.V.E Wheat Thins. It just wasn’t crispy enough, and didn’t have that “snap” to it that I wanted.

I’ll be seeing these tonight when I close my eyes!

Batch #2: So I tried again. This time I tried the recipe with half shortening and half butter. I baked half of the dough and then added dried basil and garlic to the other half. Still not crispy enough, even though I pretty much burned the basil and garlic batch. Damn Facebook.

Batch #3: I used half shortening and half butter, and then replaced half of the wheat flour with white. Better. Not as nutritious, but the cracker was definitely crispier. It helped that I rolled the second half of the dough out thinner. Really thin. Communion wafer thin. (If I had a pasta maker this would have been much easier.) But still….meh. Not what I was looking for.

Cutting wheat crackers.

Batch #4: By the time I started my fourth batch, healthy wasn’t even a goal anymore. Now I just wanted to make a Wheat Thin! All shortening, half white flour, part brown sugar (to try to add the flavor that Nabisco gets by using malt syrup and invert sugar) and a little cornstarch. They looked prettier, and were very acceptable; I’d proudly serve them to company. But they were definitely lacking crunch. By now I’m really frustrated, but not beaten.

For Batch #5, peanut oil was substituted for shortening and I add a little baking soda. I coated the cookie sheet with peanut oil and salt, put the dough squares on the sheet, and then turned them over so that both sides would be lightly coated. I turned the temperature down from 400 F to 350 F and set the timer for 15 minutes.

They were looking good, but weren’t quite done. This is where I often run into trouble. My famous line is “I’ll just give them another minute or two” and then mosey off to the computer or a book. Here’s what usually happens:

What a difference a few minutes make! Bleh.

 

So I set the timer for 5 more minutes, and was rewarded with a perfectly browned batch of crackers. I wish I could tell you they turned out JUST LIKE WHEAT THINS. I know you can’t see me, but I blush when I lie, so I try to stick to the truth. They were good. Very good. Wheaty and attractive. You will like them, I’m sure. But the perfect recipe eludes me, and after a whole day of baking and testing, I guess it’s time to cry uncle.

Sometimes “good enough” is the reality.

So many rejects. Sigh.

Thin Wheat Crackers
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Author:
Ingredients
  • ¾ cup whole wheat flour
  • ¾ cup all-purpose white flour
  • 1½ tablespoons sugar
  • ½ teaspoon salt
  • ½ teaspoon baking soda
  • 5 tablespoons peanut oil (plus 2 teaspoons for baking sheets)
  • ¼ cup water (more if needed)
Instructions
  1. Preheat oven to 350 F.
  2. In a large bowl, combine flours, sugar, salt, and baking soda.
  3. Add oil and water, mix thoroughly. Add just enough additional water to be able to form the dough into a ball.
  4. Pour 1 teaspoon of oil on baking sheet and sprinkle generously with salt. Set aside.
  5. Working with half of the dough at a time, on a floured surface roll dough out as thinly as possible. Cut into squares with a pizza cutter.
  6. Place squares onto oiled baking sheet. Turn each one over so that all squares are lightly coated on both sides.
  7. Bake for 15 minutes. Flip crackers over and continue to bake until browning around edges, approximately another 5-8 minutes. Watch carefully.
  8. Put baking sheet on rack to cool.
  9. Repeat with remaining dough.
  10. Makes approximately 60 crackers.
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ANADAMA BREAD

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Anadama bread…warm, fragrant, and irresistible.

The Rowdy Baker strike has been settled at last, so I got to play in the kitchen today. Do you know what the final straw was? We ran out of bread. Out.Of.Bread. Since we live out in the country and a gallon of gas costs…well…about the same as a loaf of store-bought bread, both sides (stubborn husband and obstinate wife) entered into discussions and compromised.

Thank goodness, because I honestly don’t think I could have gone much longer without flinging flour.

Today I dusted off my recipe file and made Anadama bread – probably my very favorite bread to bake. Cornmeal and molasses give it a gorgeous color and complex flavor, perfect for sandwiches and toast. My recipe makes four loaves, because if I’m going to go to the trouble of baking bread, I like to make a big batch and put some in the freezer. If you don’t have room in your freezer, you can easily cut the recipe in half.

Freshly ground cornmeal.

I grow my own flour corn and grind it as I need it. (Stop rolling your eyes; I just happen to love doing stuff like that.) The corn is multi-colored, so my loaves don’t have the beautiful coppery color that comes with using traditional cornmeal, but yours will. Just do yourself a favor, please, and buy organic cornmeal. GMO corn is scary stuff.

Grab your apron and give this recipe a try!

ANADAMA BREAD
5.0 from 1 reviews
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Author:
Ingredients
  • ½ cup butter, softened
  • ½ cup molasses
  • 1½ cups cornmeal
  • 1½ cups boiling water
  • ½ cup warm water
  • 2 packages active dry yeast
  • 1 teaspoon sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 tablespoon kosher salt
  • 6-7 cups bread flour
Instructions
  1. In a large bowl (preferably using a stand mixer) mix together the butter, molasses, cornmeal, and boiling water. Set aside to cool.
  2. In a small bowl, stir the yeast and sugar into the ½ cup warm water. Let it sit until bubbly (about 5 minutes.)
  3. Stir the yeast mixture, eggs, salt, and 5 cups of the flour into the mixture in the large bowl. Mix well.
  4. On low speed, add as much of the remaining flour as needed to make a soft dough that pulls away from the side of the bowl. Knead for 5 minutes with the dough hook or by hand on a floured surface for 8 minutes.
  5. Place dough in a large greased bowl, turning the dough over once to lightly coat with grease. Cover with a towel and let rise until double, about 1-2 hours.
  6. If you are using bread pans, coat them with shortening. If you are making rounds, sprinkle two cookie sheets with cornmeal. Separate dough into quarters, and form into logs for the bread pans or rounds for the cookie sheets. Two rounds of bread will fit on a cookie sheet.
  7. Cover and let rise until double, about 1-2 hours.
  8. Heat the oven to 375 F. Bake for 40-45 minutes, until deep brown. Cool on rack.
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Knead that dough!

Let ‘er rise…

Shape the loaves

Put it in the pan

Bake that bread!

Soften up the butter, because you’re going to want to try a slice of this while it’s still warm. And when it’s cooled off. And toasted. Oooh, and for grilled cheese and french toast! You can figure out the rest – I can’t talk with my mouth full.

 

CINNAMON ROLLS ROCK!

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A soft, warm, fragrant cinnamon roll…mmmm.

Finding a recipe for the perfect cinnamon roll is an ongoing quest. I’ve collected some very good recipes, but I am always on the lookout for one that I can offer a “forever home” to. When I posted my recipe for maple bars (and if you didn’t read it, I don’t want to know; it would break my heart. All that work for nothing…sniff) the thought that kept running through my head was “this would be perfect for cinnamon roll dough.”

Testing this theory was tricky, and required a lot of sneaky maneuvering, because – at the risk of being accused of doing my “dirty laundry” in a social networking site” – I must let you know that I’m currently on strike. My husband SOMEone has been grumpy about the messes I’m making in the kitchen.

For some reason I decided to go on a baking strike in protest. I have no idea why I didn’t pick housecleaning (or sex) instead of the one thing I’m passionate about, but now I have to be stubborn and win this battle. SOMEone is slowly working through my freezer packed with frozen goodies. When that mother lode is gone, he will surely have to accept defeat. In the meantime, this is hurting me more than it’s hurting him!

Luckily, it’s hunting season. That means that yesterday I had time to whip up a batch of cinnamon rolls, test them thoroughly, take photos, freeze them in foil (if he can’t see them, he won’t mess with them) and air the house out. I even roasted some coffee to cover any possible residual cinnamony fragrance. Cheating? Well, yes…but I did it for you! Sneaky? Uh huh. Thankfully, he doesn’t read my blogs. You won’t squeal, right?

The rolls were delicious – everything I could hope for. They were light and airy, not too sweet (so there is a little contrast between the dough and the sugar cinnamon filling) and the recipe made about two dozen rolls…just the right amount to fill my big cake pan.

One batch fills a 12″x18″ pan perfectly!

This recipe is a keeper!

Author: The Rowdy Baker
Serves: 24
Ingredients
  • 1 1/2 cups milk (2% or whole milk is best. I added a little half & half to my 2%)
  • 1/3 cup sugar
  • 1/3 cup shortening
  • 1 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon cinnamon
  • 1/3 cup warm water
  • 2 packages active dry yeast
  • 1/2 teaspoon sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 5 cups all-purpose flour
  • …………
  • Filling:
  • 1/2 cup butter, melted
  • 1 1/2 cup sugar
  • 2 tablespoons cinnamon
  • 1 tablespoon flour
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • raisins (optional)
  • …………
  • Icing:
  • 3 cups powdered sugar
  • 1/2 teaspoon vanilla
  • 2 tablespoons softened butter
  • 3-4 tablespoons Milk
Instructions
  1. In a small pan on medium-high heat, scald the milk. To do this, let the milk heat until there are bubbles all the way around the outer edge, but catch it before it boils. Remove from heat.
  2. Add 1/3 cup sugar, shortening, salt, and cinnamon. Allow the mixture to cool down until it’s lukewarm.
  3. In a large bowl (I use my stand mixer) combine the warm water, yeast, and ½ teaspoon sugar. Let it sit until bubbly – about 5 minutes.
  4. Mix the lukewarm milk mixture into the yeast mixture. Add eggs one at a time, mixing well.
  5. Slowly add the flour, mixing until combined. Knead well–5 minutes with stand mixer using the dough hook, or 7-8 minutes by hand on a lightly floured surface. If you are letting your mixer do the kneading and the dough isn’t coming cleanly away from the sides of the bowl, add a little more flour.
  6. Set the dough to rise in a large oiled bowl, turning once to coat the dough with oil. Allow to rise until double–about an hour. Punch down.
  7. Grease a large cake pan (12″x18″) or three round cake pans (9″) and set aside.
  8. In a small bowl, mix together the filling ingredients: sugar, cinnamon, flour, and salt. Set aside.
  9. Working with half the dough at a time, on a very lightly floured surface, roll dough into a rectangle approximately 12 inches by 18 inches, with a long side facing you.
  10. Pour half of the melted butter on the dough. Sprinkle half of the cinnamon sugar mixture over the butter, and add raisins if you wish.
  11. Beginning with the long side closest to you, roll the dough up, gently pulling the dough towards you as you roll so that it remains snug. Pinch the seam to seal.
  12. Slice into twelve slices. Place into prepared pan(s), with approximately an inch between each roll. Don’t worry…if you have to put them closer together they’ll just be taller. Work with whatever pans you have.
  13. Repeat with the other half of the dough.
  14. Cover with a towel and allow to rise until double – about an hour. The rolls should be touching each other.
  15. Heat oven to 400 F.
  16. Bake cinnamon rolls for approximately 15-18 minutes. They should be medium brown on top.
  17. Place pan on cooling rack. When they are no longer hot (but still nice and warm) remove the rolls to a serving dish. This will keep them from sticking to the bottom of the pan.
  18. Make icing by beating together the powdered sugar, vanilla, softened butter, and 3 tablespoons of milk. Add more milk as needed, depending on whether you want an icing (less milk) or a glaze (more milk).
  19. Drizzle (or spread) icing onto warm cinnamon rolls.

Let it rise.

Punch it down.

Pour on the butter.

Add filling and roll!

Bake them!

Just wait until you smell these baking! They freeze really well, too. I know, because I have a bunch of them hiding in my chest freezer beneath the grated zucchini! Shhhhh.

Cluttered Meets Rowdy

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The Blogger Idol play-at-home assignment for this week is an interview session between two participating blogs. Here is what happens when Cluttered Genius meets The Rowdy Baker!

              Deep thinking and trash talking.

Lydia and I had a chance to sit down and talk with one another – quite unusual considering she’s in North Carolina and I’m in Washington State. But, because we’re so dedicated to Blogger Idol, we made the trip. Check it out:

Rowdy Baker meets Cluttered Genius by lydrichmond on GoAnimate

Animation Software – Powered by GoAnimate.

 

 

They Like Me! They Really, Really Like Me!

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A Liebster Award? For me? Thank you, God…my prayers were answered!

Yesterday I was given the dubious thrilling honor of receiving a prestigious Liebster Award!

For those of you who have never heard of this, go ahead and do what I had to do: Google it! If you can’t muster up the interest to do that, I guess I can sum it up for you. It’s an award given to small blogs by another blogger. As the recipient, I’m expected to graciously accept the award, produce 11 facts about myself, answer 11 questions by the presenter, and then award 11 other small bloggers with the same…um…opportunity.

I went from being very excited (An award? For me? Seriously?) to reluctant (Oh crap, I have so much to do right now, and how am I going to narrow my favorite baby blogs down to 11?) to intrigued (Wonder what the questions will be? Can I poke fun at people?) but realize it all boils down to one thing: if we didn’t like talking about ourselves and our lives, we wouldn’t be bloggers. I mean, who can resist spilling 11 facts about yourself? People do it all the time on those stupid Facebook “tests”, right?

So thanks to my presenter, Bill Peebles of ihopeiwinatoaster and stay-at-home-dad extraordinaire, here’s what you’ve all been waiting for!

 

11 THINGS ABOUT ME:

  1. Creativity is much more important to me than a clean house. Much MUCH more important!
  1. I coach myself a lot. In other words, I talk to myself a lot. You know, stuff like: “c’mon, you can do it. Just put away ten more dishes and you can have a cup of coffee!” It keeps me focused, but my husband just shakes his head sadly at me.
  1. I talk a lot about drinking, but actually one glass of wine kicks my butt. I am, however, quite witty after that glass of wine, if you catch me somewhere between the last sip and being passed out on the couch. Once again, I get the head shake.
  1. I love to feed people, animals, parking meters…basically anything that I can fill. I’m sure Freud would have a lot to say about that.
  1. I live one emergency away from the brink of disaster at all times. That’s what living on a retirement income with a baking habit can do to you!
  1. Apparently I’m the only woman I know who was disappointed with  “Fifty Shades of Grey.” The story had some redeeming qualities, but the writing didn’t. I like smutty novels, and this had its moments…but really, whips and handcuffs? Spanking, though…hmm. No. NO! Give me Nora Roberts any day.
  1. I could live the rest of my life without television. I couldn’t live a day without a book!
  1. I want to do things myself. Not like kill spiders and clean out the septic tank…I mean challenging, basic things like making my own flour, roasting coffee, making soap, and growing and canning food. Even when it would have been a lot quicker and possibly even cheaper to go the easy route, I’m just like a two year old: “I do it myself!”
  1. From the time I cracked open my first Louisa May Alcott book I imagined myself in a garret with ink-stained fingers, writing my heart out. Now I’m a geriatric blogger. Good enough!
  1. If it has butter, sugar, and flour in it I like it. If it contains chocolate, I love it. If it has all of those ingredients AND is frosted, I’m over the moon. Which is why I can’t fit into my high school cheerleader outfit. Bwahahaha. Gotcha. Cheerleader? Not even close.
  1. I have my mother’s recipe box, and my grandmother’s. If I do this right, my children will be able to look up my recipes on Google! If my fantasies play out, they’ll have copies of my published recipe books, with my hope that they never cave in to fake food – and always let the flour fly!

And now for  sadistic Mr. Peebles’ questions:

1.  Were you pleasantly surprised or slightly irritated when I tagged you with this?
Yes!

2.  Do you think I am sorry for that?
My first thought was “not one little bit”, but the more I read your blog, the more I saw sensitivity and a deep respect for…well, respect! So you probably are staying awake nights, worrying that those you bestowed this honor upon are overwhelmed and miserable. Serves you right.

3.  If you were to smack me upside the head for passing this on to you with your favorite book, which book would that be?
Oh, you are NOT going to like this. The book is over 600 pages, and if I used my hardback copy it would put a good dent in your melon! It’s “Outlander” by Diana Gabaldon. I read the whole series every winter without fail.

4.  If you had back the (enter minutes spent on this exercise here), what would you do with them?
Minutes? Huh. I’d say you’re delusional. I’ve spent at least 4 hours on this, but it’s been pretty fun so far. I would tell you I’d spend them cleaning up the garden or making applesauce, but in reality I probably would have been playing around on Facebook or reading.

5.  Do you think perfect strangers should stalk around the Internet and bestow odd awards and ask random questions? Why or why not?
Oh, hell yes. Stalking is what the Internet is all about, right? And don’t we all love talking about ourselves?

6.  How can words be so beautiful to read and so frightening to write?
Our words are always being judged. That’s frightening, because even when we’re being light and snarky, we’re actually baring our souls.

7.  Do you like my hat?
Huh? I see no hat. Here…I’ll find one for you.

This one?

Or maybe this one?

I like ’em both, Bill!

8.  How many hotdogs do you consume on a weekly basis?
Oooh, this is a toughie. I go weeks without eating one, and then do the whole hotdog binge thing. So averaged out…one? You’re taxing my brain here.

9.  You seem like a decent person, how did you become so?
Okay, now you’ve done it. I have to get serious here. I had an amazing family, and a wonderful childhood. I’ve noticed that a lot of my favorite bloggers had to overcome broken homes and other rough situations. They’re a lot funnier than I am, so I’m guessing there’s a correlation there. If I hadn’t lived in a “Father Knows Best” type of environment, I  would probably be a lot more entertaining!

10.  Pop-up toaster or toaster over?
Oh, toaster over all the way 😉

11.  Where do you physically blog, as in, where are you right now and, did you ever suspect blogging would be this damned complicated?
Um. Technically, that was two questions, but I won’t quibble. The dining room table. I keep it “public” so my husband doesn’t think I’m flirting with my hundreds of male admirers. Actually, my laptop is ancient, and it gets HOT on my lap. I don’t know if blogging is complicated, but the plugins and tags and links and widgets sure are! I’m totally out of my comfort zone. I’m even intimidated by the “WordPress for Dummies” book sitting next to me right now.

So. I’ve done my part, and will now torture 11 other recipients with a psyche-scrubbing, angst-producing questionnaire of my own.

I’d like to thank all the little people who made this possible…

And here are my 11 questions for the poor suckers selected few who will no doubt impress us with their insights and wit!

1. Writing: catharsis or expression?
2. Which writer has influenced you the most?
3. How do you cope with constant distractions?
4. Are you still having fun with the blog? When it stops being fun will you quit?
5. What cramps your writing style?
6. What is your worst habit?
7. Early to bed or night owl?
8. Do you multitask when you’re writing or is it all business?
9. Do you play an instrument?
10. What would you rather be doing right now?
11. Do you laugh at your own material?

The Rules:

1.  Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
2.  Answer the 11questions the awarder has given you, the awardee.
3.  You, now the awarder, create 11 questions for your nominees, who are now the awardees.
4.  Choose 11 awardees, link to their website, and notify them.
5.  No award-backs.

This is taking me a while, but here are the blogs I’ve contacted so far:
Marvelous Mo’ and Me
Our Life In Food
Cluttered Genius

BREADSTICKS…HOW CHEESY CAN YOU GET?!

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Cheesy Bread Sticks!

If you ask my son Dean “He Who Shall Not Be Named In Print”, there are only two reasons to visit his mama: croissants and bread sticks. I am way too lazy to make a batch of croissants right now, but I would be happy to pass along my recipe for bread sticks.  Since I have a batch of tomato sauce bubbling on the stove at this moment (the last of the season), it sounds like a pasta and bread stick night to me!

Crispy cheese puts these bread sticks over the top.

I have to be honest here – this isn’t a difficult recipe, but it does take some time. Start it early in the day, because it has to rise twice, and you don’t want to rush it. Actually, if you have time to let it rise slowly in a cool space, the finished product will be even more flavorful.

I’m all about texture, so my favorite bread stick is crunchy, salty, and has little bits of almost-burned cheese clinging to it. If you prefer soft pizza-take-out style bread sticks (excuse me while I make an ugly “I’m going to barf” face,) you can use the same recipe with just a slight variation in technique. This recipe makes about 36 bread sticks, so if that’s more than you need, here are a few options:

  1. You can make them all and stuff yourself silly.
  2. You can use just half of the dough for bread sticks and roll the other half into a big ball, let it rise, cut an “X” in the top, and bake it as a crispy loaf of French bread.
  3. You can form all of the dough into bread sticks, and then freeze half of the unbaked sticks for another day. (When you’re ready to use them, place them on a cookie sheet, cover them with a towel, and allow them to thaw completely and rise a little before preheating your oven.)
CHEESY BREAD STICKS
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Author:
Ingredients
  • 2½ cups warm water
  • 1 teaspoon sugar
  • 2 packages active dry yeast
  • 6 cups bread flour
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 2 teaspoons salt
  • 1 cup sharp cheddar or jack cheese, grated (more if you love cheese!)
  • ½ cup fresh Asiago or Parmesan cheese, grated (or a "3 Italian" type cheese mixture)
  • Garlic Salt
  • Cornmeal
  • Cooking spray
Instructions
  1. In a large mixing bowl, stir sugar into warm water and stir in the yeast. Let sit until bubbly (about 5 minutes). Add 5 cups of flour, the olive oil, and the salt.
  2. Beat with electric mixer, using paddles, until dough pulls away from the sides of the bowl, about 5-6 minutes.
  3. If you prefer to knead by hand, put the remaining cup of flour on the board and knead for 7-8 minutes. If you have a sturdy stand mixer and prefer to let the machine do the hard work, switch to your dough hook, add the remaining flour and let it knead for 5 minutes. Your finished dough should be smooth and elastic.
  4. Place the dough into a large greased bowl. Turn to coat. Cover and let rise in a warm place until doubled, about an hour.
  5. Punch down the dough, turn it over, and let it rise again until doubled (about an hour and a half.)
  6. Heat oven to 450 F.
  7. Sprinkle 2 cookie sheets with cornmeal and set aside.
  8. Punch down the dough. Working with half of the dough at a time, place the dough on a lightly floured surface. Roll into a rectangle, keeping it fairly thin...no more than ⅓ inch thick, and about 6 inches wide. Sprinkle with half of each type of cheese. Lightly shake garlic salt over the top of the cheese. Using the rolling pin, gently roll the cheese and salt into the surface of the dough.
  9. With a sharp knife or pizza cutter, cut dough into 1inch strips.
  10. For soft bread sticks, arrange the strips of dough on the cookie sheet, keeping them about ½ inch apart. (They will touch each other when they rise, but are easy to pull apart after baking.)
  11. For crusty bread sticks, twist the dough as shown in the photograph below. They'll stretch a little as you twist, so they'll turn out longer than 6 inches.
  12. Allow the bread sticks to rest for 15 minutes. Spray with an oil spray (I used a canola spray), sprinkle with any leftover cheese, and bake 10-12 minutes for soft sticks, 12-14 for crusty sticks.
  13. Remove from pan and cool on rack. (If you really want to go for it, you can brush them with butter and sprinkle them with coarse salt at this point!)
  14. While the first batch is cooling, start rolling out the second half.
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Cutting the strips of dough.

Twisting dough for crunchy bread sticks.

Dipped in marinara sauce or garlic butter (or just eaten plain) these cheesy sticks will disappear quickly. Put a couple of them at each place setting in a flute glass, to show them off. If you do end up with leftovers, a quick warm-up in the oven or microwave will bring out their flavor.

Enjoy!

MY DAY HIS WAY

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Another play-at-home Blogger Idol assignment. This is a day in my life, from the perspective of a man. I promise my next blog will have recipes and pictures of real food in it!

I awaken slowly, confused. What the…oh, yeah – I’m in the guest bed. She pissed me off last night, so I kept my distance. Crap, it’s my turn to let the dogs out and make coffee. Am I still mad enough to make her eat oatmeal for breakfast? Probably not. But I’m not caving in and cooking bacon and eggs.

There’s time to read my new Hunting magazine and take a hot shower before I have to head to town this morning. She needs deodorant, a new toothbrush, and a prescription filled, so that means I have to go shopping. What’s with that? I should make her go get her own stuff – I’m not her daddy! Sheesh. But I do have to drop a box off at the post office, and she’d never figure out how to do that, so I guess I’ll have to make the trip.

I clean up the bacon and egg dishes and brush my hair. I can’t find my other brown shoe. How can there only be one brown shoe there? I’ll poke around under the bed with a hanger, because I’m sure as hell not going to bend over or get down on my knees. Nope. No brown shoe. She offers to help me find the other shoe, but I know that’s just to show that she’s reasonable and doesn’t hold a grudge about last night, so I find different shoes instead.

Off to town. I sing loudly to Clint Black, and almost sideswipe a truck that’s working on the dirt road because I’m looking for deer instead of watching the road. Same to you, a#*hole.

Walmart on the first of the month. Great. Looks like a geriatric ward in here. I’m just going to get in and get out. Medicine, toothbrush, deodorant, that’s it.

Look at the line at the pharmacy. Lines suck. This is taking freakin’ forever. HUH? Oh. McKinnon. M.C.K.I…huh? Oh. My birthdate. (Whoa. I have to look around and see who can hear me. You just never know – one of these nut-jobs might steal my identity.) What? Huh? Oh. I’ll pay up front. It’s HOW MUCH?

Okay, gotta find the toothbrushes. Hey! I am driving MY cart on the right side of the road, people. YOU are going against the traffic. How can a stupid toothbrush cost so much? I’ll get her the store brand so I can save a few cents and listen to her complain about it for three months.

There are way too many people in here. I can SMELL these people. And I’m in the stinkin’ deodorant aisle even! I’d better grab some chicken food while I’m here. Oh, and batteries for my game camera. Beer, and maybe a box of ammo.

How am I supposed to figure out how to run my card through this machine and put the bags in the cart at the same time? Huh? It’s HOW much? I only got four lousy bags of stuff. There’s not even any meat in there! No, I do not want to put the beer back.

What the…did someone bump their door into my truck? Yep, that’s a microscopic scratch. Next time I’m parking all the way down by the road with the motorhomes. There are too many people here. Yeah, I know the arrow is pointing the other way. I’m driving down an up aisle in the parking lot. Get over it, a#*hole.

She meets me at the car to help carry bags in. Still sucking up. Then she unloads stuff onto the counter. I tell her the same thing every time I bring groceries home: put the stuff away or leave it in the bags and I’ll do it. She never learns. Now I just have to move everything from the counter to the fridge. Sigh.

I’ve been gone for hours, and it looks like she hasn’t done a thing. Not.A.Thing. I’ll make lunch, check my e-mail, and then go dig up the sweet potatoes before the frost hits. She wants to know if I bought bread. Not at $4 a loaf, I didn’t. I’ll make some this afternoon, after I pick the ripe tomatoes and feed the chickens.

I’m really stoked because I made a giant casserole of chicken spaghetti yesterday, so I don’t have to cook dinner tonight. That will give me an extra hour to write my blog and check for responses to all of the ranting e-mails I wrote to everyone holding a political office in our state. Maybe I’ll take some time to send raunchy, untrue, right-wing propaganda to a lot of close friends that I’m tired of.

The bread’s rising, and it isn’t any of that 7-grain stuff. This is good old white bread. The pets are fed, and I’m going to crack a beer and sit in the recliner farting lightly while I watch football. Okay, maybe not lightly.

I just heard the bedroom door slam.

Lovin’ the guest room!